Kira in Wonderland
by elomelo
Summary: One brownie too many and Light finds himself in the loopy world of cards and nonsense. Misa’s ordering perfume and mass execution, L’s having a kinky tea party and… well, everyone’s in for the ride! Crackish eloquence.
1. Prologue

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**KIRA IN WONDERLAND**

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**Summary:** One brownie too many and Light finds himself in the loopy world of cards and nonsense. Misa's ordering perfume and mass execution, L's having a kinky tea party and… well, everyone's in for the ride! Crackish eloquence.

**A/N:** Yep, a crackfic (and for those awaiting the next installment of _Switching Hands_, no worries, that too is coming shortly!) – enjoy!

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**Alice:** But I don't want to go among mad people.

**The Cat:** Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.

**Alice:** How do you know I'm mad?

**The Cat:** You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

_- Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Caroll_

**Prologue**

_11:28 p.m. _

_Task Force Headquarters_

"Honestly, Ryuzaki, stop that."

"Stop what, Light-kun?"

"_That_. You're staring."

"Yes. Your point?"

"It's making me damn uncomfortable if you must know."

"I have my reasons."

"Oh?"

"It'd be lying if I said we were making any progress at this rate. Nothing else seems to keep my attention very long and you're nice to look at."

Light felt the colour rush to his face at an alarming rate. "Ryuzaki!" He hated how squeaky his voice sounded like the noise the rubber duck made when the detective threw it at him in the shower.

"You shouldn't be so shy. You're an attractive person and it's only natural I admire your physical beauty."

A few moments of silence.

"…really? I mean…it's kind of weird, Ryuzaki. You don't seem like the type."

"The type? I don't think I follow."

"Well…ha, actually, I always thought of you as asexual."

"Asexual."

"You don't seem to have any interest in anybody in the romantic or sexual sense, guy or girl. Remember that porn site we came across when looking through the pro-Kira ones?"

"I think you invented a new shade of red on that occasion."

"Har, har. My _dad_ was in the room."

"So? You didn't have a problem with reading certain magazines while you were under surveillance."

The brunette frowned and massaged his temples absently. Man, why did everything seem so fuzzy when he tried to recall things before the confinement? He leaned back into his chair, sighing heavily.

"Now, now, let's not get sentimental over pornography, Light-kun. I think this conversation was about _my_ sexuality."

He chuckled dryly. "So what's your say on it then?"

The detective drew his knees closer to his thin body, fingers between his strawberry-stained lips. '_Three slices of strawberry cheesecake simply wasn't enough. At this rate, I'll be in withdrawal in record time.'_ Where was Watari when you needed him?

"Well." The younger boy looked at him expectantly, a smug smirk playing on his lips. "Cat got your tongue?"

"Speaking of cats, I…" he paused, trying to recall something he had read in the magazine article about Misa-Misa, the squealing model that could either be found in her room or latched onto Light's arm.

"Yes?"

"I can be a kinky kitten."

A short silence followed, broken by roaring laughter. Light fell off his chair and onto the tiled floor. The pain of hitting said floor face first with the handcuff digging into his arm was overpowered by the hysterical guffaws he couldn't stop. It was comical how he banged the floor with his fists and rolled around as was the dull expression on L's face on seeing the other man react so _kindly_ to his statement.

The detective took this excellent opportunity to call Watari and ask him to bring up some cheesecake. Really, that man needed to know L's moods better.

"Six percent. Are you finished?" He asked the rolling ball of hysterics on the floor, wincing as the chain began to wrap every which way with the strange movement below.

"What are you on and why aren't you sharing?" came the sniggering response followed by more rolling.

"Seven percent. Are you mocking my libido, Light-kun?"

"Libido! Ha ha ha! Ryuzaki, my _toaster_ has more sexual drive than you!"

"Is that a challenge?"

Light stopped mid-laugh, eyebrows raised. "You're going to do _what_ to my toaster?"

Whatever L was about to say next was cut short by the 'ding' of the elevator and the rush of cold air into the room as its doors opened. Three piece suit and toothbrush moustache immaculate, Watari pushed in a silver trolley. Light was in awe – how could the man walk a straight line without hitting anything and make it to L's chair with his eyes closed? Or were they really small eyes behind those glasses?

"Ryuzaki. Light-san." He half-bowed, half-nodded when he addressed them, one white eyebrows raised at Light's compromising positioned; partially wrapped in chains on the floor right under the detective's feet. "Have I interrupted something?"

"What? No, this isn't--" Light struggled to wriggle out of the grasp of the chain, only making matters worse. "—what it looks like."

"What _does_ it look like, Watari?" L asked innocently, leaning forward oh-so-slightly, allowing Light a clear view up his loose shirt.

Yet another shade of red to add to Light's colour chart. The detective gave him thumbs up, clearly approving of his progress.

"Your cheesecake, Ryuzaki," Watari, ever the gentleman, handed the detective a plate the dessert, a calm expression on his creased face. "May I ask why Light-san is…in that position?"

"He mocked me."

"Now, that's no way to treat your friend or colleague."

"He mocked my _sexual potency_," he clarified, glaring at the insulter in question, "The nerve."

"The nerve," agreed the older man, nodding firmly.

"Hey!" Light, still on the floor, frowned at the sniper-butler who was his aid only moments ago.

L, mouth full of cheesecake, made a sound between a sigh and a 'pfft'. "Please help him up. He's beginning to annoy me."

Watari complied, undoing the chain with ease and pulling the boy up swiftly. "You should think wisely next time you make such bold accusations, Light-san."

"Hmph. You're not serious, are you? I mean it's Ryuzaki, for crying out loud. Could you imagine him…?" He stopped that train of thought, shuddering at the sudden mental image.

"Don't underestimate him – he's been known to prove many people wrong," Watari warned, pushing a plate of brownies into the youth's hands, "Here, I made these for you."

Light frowned, clearly thrown off by this sudden change of heart and topic. But then again those brownies did smell delicious. "Why, thank you, Watari-san."

"You're very welcome. L requested them _especially_ for you."

"Hmm, makes me wonder if I should eat them in the first place."

"Don't be a drama queen, Light-kun, these are Watari's famous brownies. I'm sure he'll be greatly offended if you don't have one," L offered in a droning sing-song voice.

"Oh, alright, just one," Light sighed, taking one of the brownies and examining it by the stark white office lights. A slab of brownie goodness – surely, nothing was amiss.

"I assure you Light-san, I haven't poisoned them," Watari laughed a little too loud but the brunette had already started eating the brownie.

"Mmm, this is delicious!" The teen said through a mouthful of chocolate chips, nodding fervently.

"Told you," detective L muttered, leaning back into his chair. He had already begun to formulate ideas in his head. _'How can I show Light I have a sexual drive? And a large one, for that matter!' _It was a serious matter.

"Oh, wow, I see why you love this stuff, Ryuzaki!" Light took a second brownie, than a third. Never too late to start the sugar tirade. Then again…was the room supposed to be spinning like that after the sixth brownie? He hit the floor with a loud thump, pulling the detective down with him, surrendering to the black haze of unconsciousness.


	2. Down The Rabbit Hole

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**KIRA IN WONDERLAND**

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**1. Down the Rabbit-Hole**

When he came to his senses, Light Yagami was not on the hard, cold floor as he thought; instead, he found himself lying on a bright yellow mattress and dressed in fluffy blue pajamas. The pajamas he didn't remember wearing – though the sheep were quite amicable dancing their way up the fabric – and then it dawned on him that he wasn't chained to the insomniac of a detective. The thick manacle that had bought his normal and social life to an abrupt close was nowhere to be found as was said detective who imposed the wretched thing in the first place.

Only the low hum of the computers and the flickering of the stark white lights were the remnants of normalcy in the office; the walls were an exuberant purple colour, clashing defiantly with the shiny orange floors. It was as if an overly-excited team of designers had blown through the room, leaving an equally over-excited atmosphere in their wake.

Light blinked, scratching his head in confusion, and sat up. This was very strange, even for a sugar-obsessed, sleep-lacking detective. Then again, the man was known to doing things outside societal norm, often at the discomfort of the brunette. Maybe this was revenge for the libido comments.

'But honestly, my toaster could outdo him. In more than one category.'

The teenager sighed loudly and looked around apprehensively. Maybe this was another test. If the last one hadn't been bad enough…involving that giant mutated cake and the fire extinguisher….

"Ah-hah!" He smiled in triumph, finding a wrinkled piece of paper on a nearby table. When he unfolded it, he frowned – the black scrawl was in a foreign language. "Damn. Oh, wait…" He turned it a few times until the letters seemed legible. "Oh, right, upside down…ha, ha, easy mistake." It was in English and seemed to have been written in a rush.

_**Light Yagami,**_

_**You are hereby obliged to attend the Queen's tea party taking place this afternoon at The Crossroad Gardens. **_

_**May your head be in one piece.**_

_**On behalf of Her Majesty,**_

_**8 of clubs.**_

Light frowned, folding his arms over his chest and proceeded to stare at the paper. How bizarre. Who is obliged – not invited – to a tea party? In the afternoon? It was three in the morning, for crying out loud! And who the hell was this 8 of clubs? He looked up at the whirring surveillance camera. "Ryuzaki, if you're hiding somewhere, I'll have you know this isn't very funny. And no, I don't take back anything. My toaster has a better screw, just admit it." He coloured, realizing how his words could be taken and shook his head vigorously, all in the view of the camera. "Not that I ever…I know it sounded like it but I…grr, what's the meaning of this, Ryuzaki?! You're not honestly trying to prove my guilt are you? I'm not Kira, dammit, how many times do I need to say it!"

The camera didn't reply and continued its whirring. How irritating.

"Okay, look…you can't expect me to be a sitting duck. I'm going to find Watari. Alright? I'm leaving."

The camera continued blatantly ignoring the brunette.

"Really, I'm going. Watch me go. Goodbye. Au revoir. Ciao."

Once again the camera failed to give any response.

"I'm really doing it – I'm leaving." He scowled, wondering why he didn't feel odd talking to the camera. Giving the piece of machinery an indigant 'hmph', he pocketed the 'invitation' and went to open the door. It opened slightly and then refused to budge. 'Great. It's jammed.' He tugged on it a few times but to no avail so he decided to kick it soundly. After the third kick, the door gave way and he fell over into the hall.

Instead of its usual deathly silence, the now brightly painted hallway was less than quiet; a series of loud bangs followed by a stream of colourful Japanese vocabulary echoed from down the hall. A figure in suit was making these noises but in the distance, Light couldn't make out who it was. Bracing for the worst, he shakily got to his feet and ran towards the hopping – _hopping?_ – figure, hands balled into what he hoped were strong fists.

* * *

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

"Matsuda? Is that you?"

And indeed it was; the man was dressed in his usual blue suit and wrinkled white shirt, looking quite exasperated as he rattled the doorknob of the bright pink door in front of him. He gave it a few kicks, swore loudly and turned to Light with an odd look on his face.

"Of course it's me! Ooh, nice pajamas – sheep, classic."

"Oh, yeah, thanks, they're Ralph Lauren and hug my – no, woah, _way_ off topic. Do you know what's going on, Matsuda?"

"This damn door isn't opening is what's going on! Damn it all!"

"Okay that too but I meant…look, Ryuzaki's disappeared and the hallway…no, scratch that, _everything_ looks really weird. And you're trying to open this door – which I could have sworn wasn't here last time I checked – in the dead of night! What the hell?"

"Exactly."

"Sorry?"

"Apology accepted."

"Sorry as in I didn't understand what you just said."

"Alright."

"What?! You're doing that on purpose."

"Doing what?"

"Acting like you don't know what I'm saying."

"What?"

"That! And why the hells are you wearing bunny ears and that…holy…is that a _tail_, Matsuda?"

"And what if it is?"

"Oh, God, don't tell me Ryuzaki dragged you into his kinky revenge scheme too."

"Now, look here, Light-kun, I know you're all gorgeous and whatnot everyday of the week but that doesn't give you the right to mock my non-glamorous ways. No, seriously, don't give me that look – we're not all metro-sexual college students who pretty themselves up for _staying in_. Who exactly are you dolling yourself up for? _Ryuzaki_? 'cause we all know it can't be Misa – she has enough makeup on for both of you."

The brunette blinked several times, processing the words from the man bunny. "Huh?"

"Oh, jeez! Great, now I'm _very_ damn late! She'll have my head for this!"

"What are you talking about? Who'll have your head and for what?"

"Her Majesty. Didn't you get the obligation invitation?"

"What? Oh you mean this--" Light pulled the wrinkled paper out of his pocket, though somehow it had become an elaborate card with gothic lettering and a border of sparkly hearts. "—thing?"

"It's not just 'this thing' – it's _the_ thing. Of the century, if you must know."

"Matsuda, you usually don't make any sense but this takes the cake."

"Oh, shit, the cake! Great, now I have to run home and pick that up, too." At that exact moment, the door with which he had been struggling opened and almost immediately, the man pushed Light out of the way and ran into what was beyond it.

"Hey!" Light shouted but the other man was gone. He got up, rubbing his sore rear-end. The pink door was slightly ajar though beyond it there seemed to be no light. He shrugged, deciding it'd be best to follow Matsuda or L would try to pin the man's disappearance on him. As soon as he put his first foot into the dark abyss beyond the door, he was falling.

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Enough was enough. It seemed like a few hours had passed since the 'fall' had began and Light was beyond bored, if not very confused and slightly disturbed. The tunnel was a very fast blur of colour but time itself seemed to have slowed down and he could see the books and swirling teacups quite clearly, flying past him, some of them brushing against him as if on purpose. He tried to shoo them away but they were persistent and he soon gave up, resorting to throwing dirty looks at the animated objects.

Then, as abruptly as the fall has begun, it ended. Light went sliding across a checkerboard tiled floor, stopping short of a tiny red door. His nose hit the little golden knob and before he knew it, profuse amounts of blood poured out of his nose. "What the hell!" He yelled but it came out more like this: "Fhat fhe shell!"

"You mangy dog, I think you've broken its nose," a voice interrupted his solitary surge of sailor.

"Bah hambug! It's gushing out this pretty colour!"

He looked around for the source of the voices but there was no one else there.

"Oh, dear, I think you've really done it. He's gone all kooky."

"Shame, really, it looks so pretty."

"Hey, who are you calling pretty?" Light snarled, getting up, clutching his bleeding nose. "Argh, my pajamas are ruined! Damn it all!" As if on cue, the bleeding stopped immediately. "Finally."

"Ick, it's so impatient."

"Don't be rude. It can hear us. I think."

"Who's there?" Light said.

"Your mother."

"…really?" Light blinked, looking around anxiously.

"I told you it was a kook! Kira? Pfft, it can't even pull off deranged schoolboy."

"How dare you insult my pretty doll? TAKE IT BACK."

"Never!"

Then Light noticed that in addition to the little red door, that had nearly dropped his uniquely sexy features to averagely sex, there was a little green door beside it. And the golden knobs were actually little faces, arguing back and forth, grunting and trying to break free of their doors to get at each other. "Ooh, _shiny_!" He went forward to touch one of them when the knob of the green door bit him. "Ow! L's-expired-pocky, what was that for?!"

"For touching my face, you imbecile! What, would you take someone touching your face that lightly?"

"Well, it depends…"

"No one can touch my pretty's face without my consent!" The red door offered with gusto.

"Oh, dear, here we go."

"I'm not your pretty. And I'm not pretty. Pretty. Wait. Huh?" Light scratched his head. He didn't remember shrinking to a size that made the doors seem normal, height-wise anyway.

"Pretty, baby, you look a little…lost."

"Ugh, please, Red, lose the hooker lingo and show the boy the way out."

Light perked up at this. "The way out? Of where? Here? This crazy room?"

At this, both doors laughed raucously.

"It thinks this is crazy."

"Wow, Pretty's got a sense of humour."

"What? What's so funny?" Light asked.

"We're all mad here, my pretty." Grinned Red. Yes, grinned.

"Now choose which way you'll go." Green yawned. "Hurry, hurry, I don't have all day you know."

"I'd beg to differ."

"Oh, hush, red."

"Which way I will go…?" Light blinked.

"You have an annoying habit of repetition, my pretty."

"Eh, go figure. Like hooker like kid."

"I am not a hooker! I'm a door for crying out loud."

"Yet for you, ignorance is bliss."

Light growled impatiently and folded his arms. "Doors. Explain."

"It's simple, my pretty. Choose a door and you've picked…wait, for it…your destiny!"

"Destiny? Where?"

"In Kiraland, of course."

"_Kiraland_?"

Green cleared his throat and spoke in a gruff whisper, "It was Wonderland but the Queen's current fetish is our whim."

"Ah, yes." Red nodded somberly. "So, my pretty, what will it be? Green or red?"

"Ryuzaki, if this is a test…well, you're just very sick, alright?" Light's angry voice echoed all around him.

"Oh, dear, it's going kooky again."

"Choose, my pretty. Time waits for no door."

"Okay, ini mini miney – no, that'll take too long." Light frowned. "Uh…" He closed his eyes and spun around, index finger pointed outwards. When he felt like his stomach wad going to leap out of his chest, he stopped.

"Excellent choice, my pretty."

"Urgh, you've gotten yourself into this, kid. Good luck."

"Wha-? Ahhhh!" Light had no chance to brace himself as he fell forward into the garden beyond the door.

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**A/N:** Crackfic, yes, with a plot to boot. Huzzah. xD

Oh, I'm considering writing another 'Wonderland' fic albeit a much 'darker' one with less crack or none. Thoughts?

Ah, yes, please do review. It cheers me up and keeps the crack-ness coming. )

**P.S.** There is a very good chance of soon-to-come art that will be accompanying this and other works. So watch out for that – links will be up in due time.

**P.P.S.** Shameless self-help right here but… if you have the time, check out my other DN fics and let me know what you think. Currently, the angsty-yet-sexy-fic '**red**' is being updated on a regular basis as is the latest '**Noir'**.


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